thinking about Daddy on Father's Day

When most filial children will be celebrating Father's Day with their fathers today, I will be thinking of my father and wondering how my family would celebrate it with him if he were still here with us.

It has been ten years since he passed away, a long time, but not too faint in my memory. The first Father's Day after his passing, the only thing I remembered was Mummy and I crying as we left church because we were reminded of him after the priest gave a special blessing to all the fathers. Since then, I have teared at every Father's Day blessing, because I wish I could celebrate with him or at least buy him a decent gift.

Daddy has always been a great influence in my life. I have inherited his spirit of adventure and curiosity, generosity, quirkiness, artistic streak, dreaminess, desire to look good and be 'cool' all the time, and appreciation for life's little pleasures. Not all the above are good for me, but thankfully I have inherited more practical, down-to-earth traits from Mummy, which serve to temper the wilder and wackier side of me. Even though Daddy is not with us now, there is still a lot of him in me. I have a natural tendency to think of the craziest things, not just when I have free time, but also during very stressful moments. I am always thinking of trying and doing new things, and how to surprise and delight people. This crazy zest for life is Daddy's legacy. It is the most precious gift he has given me.

I often wonder what I would be doing with him or saying to him if he were physically here. Would we hang out together as often as we did and talk as much about what is happening in the world? I think so, and more. I think I might shop and eat more with him than I am doing now, and he might pay for some of it. Now that I have fractured my toe, I wouldn't be surprised if he carries me up and down the stairs instead of letting me use my crutches. If I am not using my crutches, he would hold my hand as we walk. He would buy me anything I want to eat, just like what Mummy is doing now. He would help me look for the sandals I need to wear to two of my good friends' weddings in two to three weeks time. He would take me to the shops and pay for my sandals. And he would treat me to something yummy or decadent after the shopping. If I am tired, he will carry me on his back while I hold onto my shopping till we get in the car and head for home. And he would do all of this in crowded Orchard Road, even if it is a bit embarrassing to be seen carrying a grown up girl and her shopping. That is who he is.

If I could celebrate Father's Day with him, I would cook him a meal at home and give him a nice shirt or cuff links. And I would joke with him that he has to pamper me more because I am treating him so special. He would laugh and take me out for a nice meal soon after.

Daddy, even if it is not possible to celebrate this special day with you, I know you are with me in spirit not just today, but every moment of my life. I will continue to make you proud and happy by leading each day as you want me to live. Gently, kindly, generously, thoughtfully, joyfully, passionately, lovingly, wisely. Happy Father's Day to the coolest dad in the world! I love you.

Click here to read more about Daddy

ode to ah ma

Today is my maternal grandma's (referred to affectionately as 'Ah Ma') first death anniversary. I began writing this ode to her shortly after she passed away, but never got round to finishing it. Here it is now, one year after she left us (Ah Ma, please forgive the lateness) and not very well written in my opinion, but at the very least, it comes from my heart...

Ah Ma looked after me from when I was a baby till I was 12 years old. I would stay at her house on weekdays and go home only on weekends. Among all her grandchildren, I spent the most time with her and that time was always precious and beautiful.

I remember with fondness how she would pick me up from PAP Kindergarten and we would pass the provision shop selling Kaka, my favourite childhood snack. I always clamoured for it and she, like any good grandmother concerned for her grandchildren's health, would buy a pack for me only once a week. I will never forget those Kaka moments of sheer delight and joy. Kaka is merely a $0.30 pack of flavoured corn snacks, but to me then, it was truly a little piece of heaven. Ah Ma knew that and was more than happy to indulge me, albeit once a week (ok actually sometimes more often, but only if I was good). Kaka was not the only thing she rationed; Myojo chicken flavoured instant noodles was the other thing I absolutely loved. I would request for it ever so often and unlike the Kaka, was strictly permitted only one portion a week. Ah Ma would cook the noodles with tender loving care and drop a beautiful egg in them. Oh how absolutely delicious they tasted! The other things I will miss are her popiah, fried chicken wings, fried wanton, fried oyster (without the oyster :P) and super fragrant Nonya dumplings which she used to make by the hundreds in time for the Dumpling Festival. Whatever Ah Ma cooked always tasted good as she put all her love into it (even if it was only instant noodles!), and that is how I hope to cook and bake for the rest of my life.

The one thing about Ah Ma that touched our lives was how she was always thinking about others. Even though she was Taoist, she requested for Buddhist funeral rites as the latter would be a lot less noisy and thus cause less disturbance to neighbours during the wake. When I visited her in hospital on Christmas day, the first thing she said to me was "Merry Christmas" with a smile, trying to appear cheerful so her visitors wouldn't be saddened by her frail and sickened state. She also asked my aunt to buy Kit Kat bars for the nurses as a little token for working so hard, plus a cake for Christmas as they were slaving through a public holiday. Being the sort of person who didn't like to trouble or inconvenience others, she felt bad for having spoilt our plans to have a Christmas gathering. But really, there wasn't a need to. You don't fall sick on purpose and get admitted to hospital voluntarily. Ah Ma was just being considerate.

While Ah Ma was in hospital, she was approached by a young medical officer who wanted to conduct on her, of all things, a HIV test! I do not know the specific details of this, save that it was 'a requirement' and that he was merely following orders. My aunt thought it was ridiculous (and of course it is!) that a HIV test was a requirement for an 80 year old woman and protested vehemently, but Ah Ma, even in her condition, was kind enough to want to grant the young greenhorn his request as she felt he was "so poor thing, give him chance lah". My aunt managed to get her out of it in the end. This incident will always be for us, an amusing and poignant memory.

Ah Ma showed us how to love. She was always gentle, always tender, always kind. Once when I stayed over at her house and she woke up in the wee hours of the morning to discover me working on an essay, she heated up some essence of chicken for me instead of going back to sleep. I guess she realised I wouldn't listen to her telling me to go to bed, so she did the next best thing - help me stay awake. I was really touched.

Even when we were all grown up, Ah Ma liked to dish out food for us during meals at her house - something we should be doing for her instead. My aunts would then chide her for spoiling us and she would smile quietly and go back to eating her own food. I think Ah Ma couldn't help herself. It was in her nature to do things for others. It made her happy.

When I broke down in front of her in hospital saying sorry for not visiting her enough, she shook her head, said she didn't mind at all and used her cold, frail hands to wipe away the tears from my cheeks. She told me not to cry as it would make her even more sad. I was very moved and it took me a long time to stop crying and collect myself before I could leave the hospital in a calm state. Even at her weakest, Ah Ma did not display the needy symptoms that many patients exhibit. She wanted to ease our hearts more than we wanted to comfort her.

Ah Ma had quite a cute sense of humour. I loved ketchup as a child (and I still do) and would always mix my fried rice with it till the rice turned red. She was frequently amused by this and always joked that she should give me a bottle of Maggi ketchup for my birthday. I guess I wouldn't have minded, but of course she never did that. I just got to have all the ketchup I wanted whenever she cooked fried rice or chicken wings. When I had my first asymmetrical haircut, she looked at me and said, "Why, you don't have enough money to cut the other (longer) side is it?" I had to explain to her that I wanted it cut this way and her reply to that was an amused "so funny".

One of the greatest things my extended family and I will remember Ah Ma for is that she was, unarguably, the unifying force in the family. Every few weeks, we would all gather at her home for a big homecooked meal, usually because she had to cook to offer food for some Taoist festival or to commemorate the death anniversary of our ancestors. She never imposed her beliefs on us, choosing instead to ensure that we were happily fed. Shortly before she passed away, she instructed my eldest uncle to keep up with and initiate these gatherings. I am happy to note that our family is still meeting on public holidays and important festive occasions, except that instead of Ah Ma cooking, every family now contributes at least one dish. No repeats are allowed in order to encourage us to improve on our culinary skills. I know Ah Ma would definitely approve!

I remember Ah Ma for all the above and thank God for His gift of her to us. I know the best way to celebrate her life would be to live out all that she stood for and to love as she had loved. So here's to the best grandma in the world... Ah Ma, you will live in our hearts forever!

my birthday wish list

Am shamelessly publishing this in the hope that I get what I want. So terrible, so shameless right :P? *rubs hands in anticipation*

What I really want...

• Mamma Mia (the movie) soundtrack
• any CD by Stefanie Sun
• Corrinne May's first two CDs (I already have Beautiful Seed and The Gift)
• any CD by The Bird and The Bee (except Ray Guns are not Just the Future)
  
• any jazz/lounge/bossa nova/world music CDs

What I do not mind receiving...

• Havaianas slippers (the ones with the thin straps; gold or navy blue preferred in size 39-40)
• funky T-shirt
  
• L'Occitane En Provence Crushed Grape Polish
  
• L'Occitane En Provence Lavender Clarifying Shampoo

Make goddazz happy on her birthday!

the glory of minions

copyright dilbert.com

The glory of minions lies in...

• their ability to do the things their bosses cannot do, e.g. operate the shredder and photocopy machine, design their own powerpoint slides, call up some big shot's PA.
• their willingness to work their asses off to fix anything and everything, e.g. blotting out the facial imperfections of all directors' pictures to be included in the company's annual report.
• their infinite patience in situations that are an ultimate waste of time, e.g. listening to the CEO preach about efficiency and productivity when all he does is swivel in his cushy leather armchair.
• their fortitude in cleaning up the mess that other people have created and doing other people's work (because saying no would diminish them to lower minions).
• their eagerness to help and go beyond the call of duty in the name of efficiency and unity at the workplace.
• their humility in knowing their place, nothing more, nothing less, and in performing all that is expected of them (and more) in the great scheme of things.

Oh hail minion, thou art noble and indispensable because who would top up the creamer at the coffee corner and fix the temperamental photocopier if thou art gone? Thou art that little spoke in the bicycle wheel that holds it fast and makes it turn.

If thou art not a minion but sit high up lofty in the clouds, remember that thy glory shines forth as the fruit of minions' toil and labour. Remember (pause) the glory of minions.

my christmas wish list

Seeing that posting my birthday wish list on my blog met with some success, I have decided to publish my Christmas wish list. Dear reader, you will realise that I do this with most practical and not greedy considerations. You do not want to risk wasting your money on something I do not care for and worse still, won't use. So here it is, in all its humble glory...

What I really want
Actually, what I really want this year are CDs. Simple as that. I need more music to bop to and inspire me :)

• Sex and the City soundtrack
• Mamma Mia! (the movie) soundtrack
• any CD by Stefanie Sun
• Corrinne May's first 2 albums (I already have Beautiful Seed and The Gift)
• any jazz CDs
• any lounge CDs
• any French music (even rap is acceptable!)
• any bossa nova CDs
• any world music CDs

To understand what sort of music I am looking for, just walk into Prints or anthropology at the basement of Raffles City. That's pretty much it!

What I do not mind receiving

• aromatherapy essential oils (citrus and light, refreshing scents e.g. lemon, green tea and bergamot are preferred. i also like light floral scents like rose and jasmine. sandalwood is not bad. sweet, overpowering scents give me a headache)
• eau de toilette (see above for preferred scents)
• shower gel and body scrub (see above for preferred scents)
• funky T-shirts
• shawls (those that actually keep me warm as opposed to being merely decorative are preferred)
• bags (those of you who know my style can be brave enough to attempt this one)
• accessories (everybody knows i am an accessory laden goddazz!)
• books (I actually read very slowly, but if you feel a certain book will speak to me, then go ahead and get it!)
• edibles like cookies, chocolate, honey and cake, but no candy canes, fruit cake, alcohol, tea or coffee

What I do not want (please take note!)

• soft toys
• candles
• handphone charms/chains
• moisturiser
• hand cream
• lip balm
• coin purse

If in doubt, do ask. One request though, if you want to 'chope' and get me any of the soundtracks, let me know so no one else will do the same. I hope this exercise will be successful. Be generous. You know I will be, hee hee :)

the unstylish urban

Many of my fashion-forward friends agree with me that the looking good column in The Straits Times' Thursday supplement Urban is terribly off-the-mark when it comes to judging who actually dresses well. Week after week I cease to be impressed with the quality of good lookers featured.

Urban seems to like featuring tai tais or tai tai wannabes dripping with 5-figure sum watches, glittering jewellery and designer clothes. Many of them look showy and basking in their wealth. Why else would they reveal the cost of what they're wearing?

Apart from the ostentatious lot, Urban also likes to feature nondescript people in very normal tops, jeans and berms, and most shockingly, flip flops! Nothing wrong with flip flops, but you mean there are so few good dressers out there that there is no choice but to feature people who don't have a unique sense of style?

It also irks me that some people featured are so arrogant that they answer "Of course!" to the question "Do you think you're good looking?". The other extreme is people who say they don't look good at all, which is totally lacking in self-confidence and speaks of how poor a judge Urban has been of truly stylish people.

Lastly, the people featured are always picked from some high society event. Surely there are good lookers Urban can pick off the street instead of featuring only those who can afford to or have the fortune of attending such atas events. Urban's choice clearly reeks of elitism.

Having said all of the above, I still enjoy reading Urban very much as it keeps me in the know of what is going on in the fashion world, what's good to eat and a little bit about design and style. It's like my weekly magazine that I don't need to buy or subscribe to. Fash hag is hilarious and sharply critical without openly embarrassing those being criticised--exactly the kind of criticism I like to engage in myself! In other words, there is a little bit of fash hag in goddazz :P

I hope Urban keeps up the good work of informing its readers. It desperately needs to get its act together, however, in featuring more stylish good lookers. Which begs the question--how can we say someone has a keen sense of style when style is such a subjective thing? Yet the majority still recognises uniqueness and good design when they see it. Do we take the cue from fashion designers and those who keep their toes on the latest trends? Possibly. I like to believe that some of us are blessed with a keener sense of aesthetics and style than others. I believe a unique style can be nurtured and developed and it becomes even more distinct as one becomes more confident and sure of one's identity.

I strongly advocate looking good everyday no matter how tired or lazy one is. Humans are superficial creatures and first impressions really count. It doesn't mean one has to spend a pile on clothes and make-up, but at least looking neat and decent should become a habit. After all, dressing well is also a form of courtesy to the people you meet. I also sometimes tell people that even if I have a bad day in the office, at least I know I look good. Ah, a simple pleasure in life. And best of all, you do not need to fork out a million bucks.

happy birthday to me :)

This year I had one of the most memorable birthdays. I received a record 16 happy birthday SMSes and struggled to reply to all of them throughout the day. Wonder if it's cos of Facebook, another great perk of this earth shattering creation :P. Wonderful to know that some people whom I didn't expect would remember, somehow did :)

I spent the day going for a full body scrub and massage, lunch at my favourite cafe Toast and then to watch The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. Very exciting, but sadly lacking the magical fantasy feel of the first. Still, some thrilling moments and oh, Peter is really quite charming and cute in an arrogant laddish sort of way. I do not find Prince Caspian as delicious as my friend thinks. His playboy look is so not appealing. I digress...

After the movie, I joined Mum and bro for evening mass to give thanks to God for guiding and blessing me all these 27 years. And then it was off to teppanyaki dinner at Keyaki, Pan Pacific. This place does wonderful teppanyaki, but it will set you back about $100 nett per person for a teppanyaki set meal (I feel 2 people should share a set as the amount of food is really a lot). We had chawanmushi; minced salmon salad; miso soup; salmon; tenderloin beef steak; scallops wrapped in omelette; lobster, prawns, mushrooms, leek and tofu cooked in a delicious stock made from prawns, lobster, fish and chicken; bean sprouts; fried rice and rum and raisin ice cream with honey dew. The chef also made a special arrangement to give me a slice of tiramisu as a birthday icing on the cake. I was bursting at the end of the meal and am sure it contributed to my gasy tummy a few days later--punishment for eating too much!

This was not the only meal treat I got. Angela and Alex treated me to a delicious fish and chip lunch the next day and Vivien and Matthew brought me to French restaurant Au Petit Salut for a lavish dinner the same night! I had clam soup served in an espresso cup and flavoured with saffron, garnished with saffron threads on the top, lobster salad (with the whole lobster!), foie gras, tenderloin steak, dark chocolate and grand marnier souffle and a chocolate lava cake with a lighted candle as an extra birthday treat. The food was really fabulous and I'm so touched by my friends' generosity :) On top of that, I received 2 presents from them--an ethnic looking bag with a kimono-like pattern from H&M in Hong Kong, and a deep purple fabric cover notebook from Prints, as Vivien says, for all my creative doodling. I am glad she thinks I am artistically inclined. She insists I can draw, but I really don't think much of my doodling abilities.

I am glad that people actually read my post on what I want for my birthday. So I got my first Lisa Ono CD and Gab is passing me the Amelie soundtrack soon--yipee! More cool music on the way. Also Di decided to pay for a retro green shirt for me when we went shopping. Thank you for the love, everyone. I never expected my birthday to be so big this year. It's not so bad turning 27, an age that I feel is neither too young nor too old. I'm at a point in my life where I am totally at peace with myself and the world, am sure of myself and confident of my abilities and self-worth. I'm also glad to say I've never really made a big mistake in my life. I'm going to keep celebrating and enjoying life, and loving the people who mean the world to me. You know who you are :)